nogarE
by FrescaPower
Summary: Everything in Alagaesia is the opposite of what it should be. Brom is young, Arya is weak, Angela is sane, Murtagh wants to go to the Varden,and Eragon questions nothing. A parody of the Eragon movie.
1. Prologue to a Disasterous Movie

_A/N: WHOOT!_** Brisingir**_ is out! I haven't read it yet so **NO SPOILERS** in the reviews, please? Thanks in advance._

_Anyway..._

_As I'm sure many _Inheritance_ fans will agree, the _Eragon movie _was possibly the worst book-to-movie adaptation in the history of book-to-movie adaptations._

_What better way to vent frustrations than in a parody?_

**Disclaimer:** _FrescaPower doesn't own the _Inheritance_ series or its characters, nor do I own the movie (fortunately). Enjoy the story._

**Summary:**

_nogarE_

Everything in Algaesia is the opposite of what it's supposed to be. Brom is young, Angela is sane, Arya is weak and a total pansy, Murtagh wants to go to the Varden, Orik is nowhere to be found, and Eragon questions nothing. It's not a lame fanfiction, it's the movie...parodied in a lame fanfiction.

* * *

**Chapter One: No Title As Of This Moment Due to the Fact the Author Cannot Think of One.**

There once was a land called Alagaesia, populated by humans, elves, and dwarves, and other creatures. However, the elves and dwarves looked just like humans, so you couldn't really tell the difference between them. There were also the Dragon Riders who protected Alagaesia, but they became corrupt and old and fat, so fat that their dragons toppled over and could not support them.

One Rider, known as Galbatorix, took this opportunity to overthrow the Riders. In a single bloody battle, all the Riders were defeated and killed. Yes, one guy versus one thousand. He didn't have a group of minions known as the Forsworn, it was just him. Of course, this victory was made a lot easier since the Riders were so fat.

Anywho, he created an Empire and became king. Something very valuable was stolen 20 years ago, and at this moment the King has just realized it has gone missing.

"Isn't this awesome? We have matching nails!"

Durza and Galbatorix were getting manicures. Galbatorix looked up at the camera, gave an "Eeek!" of surprise and tossed the manicurists and tables off-screen.

"My stone is missing," said the King.

"Sir, that's what I've been trying to tell you for the last two decades," said his henchman, Durza the Shade.

"My stone gets me stoned. I suffer without my stone. Do not prolong my suffering."

"Stone? I thought it was an e-"

Galbatorix clapped a hand over Durza's mouth and said in a whisper, "Shhh. Don't spoil it. The audience obviously doesn't know that the stone is really a dragon egg, even though they've already read the books and/or movie summary and reviews. As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I'm here. I haven't even been properly introduced in the books yet. It hasn't been said what I look like. For all the anyone knows, I might look young."

"Very well my king, I will retrieve the 'stone.'"

Galbatorix's face went blank. "What choo' talkin' 'bout, Durza? Stone? It's an e-"

Durza magically transported himself from one end of the country to the other in one second flat. Not to mention a group of his Urgal minions happened to be there and he also just happened to run into the person who stole the 'stone.'

It seemed as though he was in a forest at nighttime. However, there was a lot of light between the trees - a sort of glowing, radiant light - but the moon was out and everywhere else was dark. Maybe 'even the moonlight was like sunlight for the Shade' was taken too literally.

So, there's this elf…human….well, we don't quite know what she is….named Arya who has the 'stone.' Her guards were shot down with arrows by a group of bald tattooed men hiding in the bushes.

Are they Urgals, you ask? No, not exactly. All the money was spent on special effects and Saphira, so there was no money left for making the movie-Urgals look like book-Urgals.

Instead, the company hired some tattooed hobos to play 'Urgals.' They were even able to find a few that could wield bows. Unfortunately, the 'Urgals' were not told to shoot real arrows, and…well…they're still facing the lawsuits.

Arya ran, but Durza trapped her in a fire ring. She held up a mysterious blue something. It looked like a giant pill. She swallowed it and pulled out another blue pill-shaped object, only this one was much larger.

She ran out of the fire ring, holding the blue object like a football. Durza ran after her and soon caught up. However, he was too late.

Arya threw the object onto the ground. The object smashed into pieces upon impact.

"TOUCHDOWN!" cried Arya triumphantly.

"Wha-What? Was that a watermelon? Painted blue? Just how many blue pill-shaped objects do you have?"

She shrugged. "Just one more." She pulled out the last blue object. "Go, magical blinding light transporter spell that conveniently enough makes you stop and look at it instead of grabbing it!"

The object glowed. Durza stood there, looking angry. "NO! Ooo…pretty light."

And it disappeared.

Thousands of miles away – well, not really, it was the same exact set – a farmboy named Eragon was hunting and ran into a blonde and a freaky guy with red hair.

"Huh? Who're you?"

Durza gave an exasperated sigh. "I _knew_ it was bad idea to film these scenes on the same set…" he pointed to Eragon. "You there. Ignore us, and go find something to shoot at." Eragon aimed his bow at the Shade. "NOT ME! Shoot a deer! And go off-screen somewhere where we can't see you!"

Eragon sighed and walked off screen. Immediately he saw a deer. Durza and Arya were still in the background, but thanks to the magic of digital editing they were absent in the DVD and theatrical releases.

He shot the arrow, and everything exploded. "WHOA! SWEET! Did I just do that? Aw man, the deer's gone. Now my family's gonna starve. Hmm, maybe they can eat this. It looks like an Ostrich egg." He picked up the 'stone'/pill and decided to test his hardness.

He immediately fell unconscious.

Arya was, for a completely inexplicable reason, able to see Eragon and the stone from the movie camera's point of view. "Ha. Poor Durza," she taunted, "What will you tell the king? You failed."

Durza stared at her. "That's a rather immature taunt."

Arya pouted.


	2. In Which There is Much Confusion

_Disclaimer: FrescaPower does not own _Eragon_, _House_, or _Star Wars_._

* * *

**Chapter 2: In Which There is Much Confusion**

Now we more properly meet our hero – Eragon, a farm boy who becomes an epic hero. Unfortunately, instead of following the proper description in the book, movie-Eragon is blond. Although this isn't following the book, it's not nearly as bad as some of the other book-to-movie discrepancies.

However, it almost looks as if movie-Eragon has bleached/highlighted his hair, because hair dye is so obviously available in a Middle Ages-type fantasy world.

However, the worst hair color is, without a doubt, Arya's. Her movie-personality is worse enough as it is without her being blond.

In the Harry Potter movies the main characters have the same color hair as in the books, even if their eye color is not the same (coughharryhasblueeyescough.) Would it have killed the people conducting the casting to choose cast members with the proper hair color, or at least have the actors/actresses dye their hair? No, no it wouldn't have. The movie industry seems to enjoy tormenting book fans…

And now for something completely different.

* * *

Eragon entered the butcher's shop. The animals hanging by the window were still alive, as was the animal Sloan was cutting up.

THWACK

"Baaaa."

THWACK

"Baaa."

"I have something to trade with," said the farm boy, putting the 'stone' on the table. "I got it in the Spine."

"The Spine? I hate the Spine, for reasons I will never reveal," said Sloan. "Now get out of here."

"I thought you hated me. You could at least tell me to leave with a little more hatred."

"No. You're in danger. I care so much about you. I love you, Eragon! Leave. By the way, has anyone seen Katrina? She seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth."

* * *

"There's no food for my family," lamented Eragon as he walked through Carvahall. "How will we survive the winter?" He looked around. "Hey, where'd the snow go?"

"Global warming," said a soldier.

"Oh…Hey, why are there soldiers in Carvahall?"

"I dunno. Apparently there's a draft," the soldier pointed to another soldier who was leading away a pair of very long-haired boys.

"Those aren't my sons!" cried Horst, pointing to the very long-haired 'boys,' "Those are my daughters!"

* * *

"Look! It's House from _House_!" yelled a _House_ fan.

"For the last time, I'm not House!" protested Brom.

"But you look a bit like him."

"And you're British."

"And besides, if you _were _Brom, shouldn't you look older?"

"And you're addicted to painkillers!"

"I am _not_ addicted to painkillers!" he surreptitiously hid a suspicious-looking bottle. The _House _fans ran away when a soldier walked up to Brom.

"Where'd you get those chickens?" asked the soldier.

"Stole 'em."

"Oh really?"

"No, they just happened to drop dead in front of me," he said sarcastically.

"Alright then – hey wait a second!"

The soldier kicked him down. Brom pulled out a knife. The soldier pulled out a slightly larger knife. Brom pulled out a sword. The soldier pulled out a scimitar. They continued pulling out larger and larger weapons until Brom grudgingly handed the chickens over when faced by a cannon the size of a house.

"I'm taking these in the name of the Empire. And by that I mean myself."

* * *

Eragon returned home.

"Hello Eragon clone!" said Eragon, waving to Roran, with whom he bore an uncanny resemblance to.

"I'm not the clone, you're the clone," protested Roran.

"Oh not this again…"

* * *

Eragon and Roran liked to whack each other with sticks.This activity makes one wonder why they have so much free time when living on a farm requires lots of time and energy.

"Ha!" Eragon swung the stick at his cousin with all the strength he could muster. The makeshift weapon flew out of his hands and through the straw ceiling.

The roof collapsed.

* * *

"Eragon, I'm leaving," Roran declared suddenly.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to be a soldier for the Empire. And you smell."

"Dammit! If the plot were being followed, you wouldn't have to leave! Where are you going anyway?"

Roran paused for a minute, thinking.

"I don't know."

* * *

"I'll miss Roran," Eragon said sadly as he and Garrow brushed a horse. Or maybe it was a cow...

"Well, someday you'll have to decide your own life," said Garrow.

"I think I like my life here."

"No you don't."

"But I like my life here!"

"No, you don't," Garrow repeated insistently.

Eragon continued brushing the horse. After a minute of silence, he spoke again. "Why did my mother leave me?"

Garrow sighed. "Eragon, I never told you this, but your mother left you because you were a very ugly baby."

* * *

It was time for Roran to depart.

"Where are you going to go?" asked Eragon. "What about Katrina? And if you're someplace no one can find you, how will you find out about Garrow's death and save Carvahall when the Ra'zac attack in the sequel? Er… I mean…You can't leave to escape to draft! This wasn't in the plot at all!"

"I have to."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I'm just following the script."

"…?"

"Don't worry about me. I know someday you'll be a great hunter."

"…But I already am. I'm better than you, in fact."

"Here, take this. I've been saving it up." Garrow took a small pouch out of his pocket and put it into his son's hand.

"Garrow I'm not-"

"Take the freaking money!"

"But… these are buttons."

Garrow seemed not to have heard him and patted him on the back. "Good luck, Roran."

"Garrow, I'm Eragon!"

"Oh…right…sorry…"

* * *

Eragon looked to the slowly setting sun as he thought about his life on the farm, Roran, his mother, the Empire, and the mysterious blue stone…

Beautiful orchestral music played in the background. Highly familiar orchestral music.

"Someday, I'm gonna join the rebellion," declared Eragon. He looked up. "WHOA! There's two suns in the sky!"

Upon noticing this, one of the suns exploded.


	3. Radioactive Clouds and Ra'zac

_A/n: Yay! I've finished _Brisingr_! It was pretty good...and has given me several ideas for this fic, mainly movie discrepancies. So in this chapter I'm ranting about:_

Soldiers in Carvahall - here's why it makes NO sense:  
a) Carvahall is supposed to be a little village mostly untouched by the Empire (save for trading, etc.)

b) (The MAJOR problem) Brom settled in Carvahall after he got Saphira's egg to the Varden, and also to be near Eragon. Everyone, including Galabatorix, believed him to be dead. If anyone knew that Brom was alive and Galbatorix found out, he would have captured and killed Brom and then found out about Eragon, too.

There are soldiers in Carvahall in the movie. No doubt they probably figured out Brom's name. Also, it seems like they've been in Carvahall for awhile.

THEREFORE:

Galbatorix would have found out that Brom was there and still alive, so he would have Brom captured and killed. Then he'd find out that Eragon is in Carvahall, with Saphira, and capture them too. This would obviously ruin the entire plot of the book, _**IF**_ the book had soldiers in Carvahall. However, since we're talking about the movie, the plot has already been tampered with to such a degree that it is already irrepairable. (And Saphira hasn't even hatched yet!)

Another thing I realized...the movie contains none of the book's brilliant wit, like how Eragon doesn't realize that Saphira is a female dragon when he's naming her, and she rejects every male name until he realizes that she's female. In the movie it offers no explaination as to how he knew she's female until she grows up in two seconds.

Maybe I'm ranting too much...anyway, on with the parody!

_P.S. The Galba-galba-galbatorix part is a reference from an Eragon funny edits spoof I found on YouTube. Check it out!_

* * *

**Chapter 3: Radioactive clouds and Ra'zac**

Later that night, a noise was coming from the 'stone.' Eragon stared at it curiously and prodded it with a stick (the same stick, incidentally, that caused the roof to cave in.)

Suddenly, the 'stone' began to vibrate.

"Agh! It's alive!" shrieked Eragon. He jumped up onto his bed, a broom in hand.

The 'stone' cracked open and onto the floor flopped a blue baby dragon. At this point it was pointless to keep calling it a stone, since by now everyone had figured out that it was an egg.

"Wow! That's one strange stone!" exclaimed Eragon.

Everyone except a particularly dense main character, of course.

One would think that Eragon would be more surprised that this weird critter just hatched in his room... but nope, he isn't suspicious of it or anything.

"Aww you're so cute." The dragon edged nearer to him. Eragon put his hand out to pet it. "C'mere, C'mere, yes you're so cute! Yes you are yes you-" The dragon's snout touched Eragon's hand.

**KABLOOEY!**

The scene shifted to Arya, who was in some sort of torture chamber. She smiled, as if she knew that the egg had hatched - well, she sort of did. There was a flat screen TV in her cell that continuously played the _Eragon_ movie. (Talk about torture!)

She then realized that she wasn't chained down to the stone table-thing she was lying on. She jumped up and ran away, and then slipped and fell because she was wearing heels.

* * *

Eragon woke up. During the the time he'd been unconscious, the dragon had been gnawing on his foot. There were several bite marks in his boot.

He looked on his hand where the dragon had touched him.

On his hand, below his thumb, was a brown scar in the shape of an 'E.'

Just like 'Eragon.'

What an amazing coincidence.

"Hmmm...I wonder what carnivorous, reptilian dragons eat?" Eragon thought for a moment. "I know, cow's milk!"

Eragon took out a cloth container of milk. The dragon snapped at and broke the container, which caused the milk to spill on the floor.

_I'm lactose intolerant, you fool! _thought the dragon.

* * *

_Meanwhile, with Durza and Galbatorix (who has not been properly introduced in the books yet, mind you)..._

"The dragon has hatched to a boy in Carvahall, but he is a mere farm boy," reported Durza, "Although I really don't know where I got this information - Arya never actually told me..."

"Didn't you watch _Star Wars_?" said Galbatorix in in a rather stupid-sounding voice, "Farm boys are always the most dangerous. And how did you know he's a farm boy?"

Durza held up a copy of the _Eragon_ movie.

"And…have you…?"

"No. I have been unable to make any sense of the plot."

"If this boy gets more powerful, he may be a challenge to me. I do not like challenges. Challenges are challenging and they challenge me, which I do not like."

"I will stop him before he becomes a man."

There was a very long, awkward silence.

* * *

"I want my mommy," complained Eragon in an angsty moment. He looked at the cute fluffy dragon. It walked up to him, looking adorable. He rubbed her under her chin. "Did your mother leave you too?"

The dragon barfed on him.

_Gosh, you're such a mama's boy._

* * *

"Fly my pretties, fly!" shouted Durza, summoning the Ra'zac.

Book fans were confused at this moment. Durza doesn't summon the Ra'zac! Still, the veiwers remained hopeful that, despite this difference, the Ra'zac would be portrayed as the frightening, cloaked bird-like villains they were.

In two seconds their hopes were broken into a thousand tiny pieces. Those pieces were then stomped on with a heavy boot. The tinier pieces were deposited into a blender and burned. Any remains of the hope were tossed to the winds.

The Ra'zac rose from the ground. Instead of cloaked bird-humaniod-shaped creatures, they were dressed as mummy-zombie halloween costume hybrids. They also had bugs crawling on them.

"_Brains_!" declared a Ra'zac, which meant, 'Since when do we take orders from you?'

Durza ignored it. "I want you to kill the rider. Kill him and, when he's dead, bring him back alive."

"_Brains_? (Huh?)"

"Never question what I say! Go!"

* * *

Eragon was in Carvahall for some unknown reason. The villagers were complaining about the soldiers being in Carvahall and the condition of the Empire in general.

Brom joined them in their conversation. "But it wasn't always like this, was it? There was a time when the land flourished and there were no plot holes and the land actually looked like the map. It's all the fault of Galba-galba-galba-galba-galba-"

"Enough, before you hang by a tree!" yelled a soldier.

"Wait!" exclaimed Eragon, "Let him finish!"

The soldier looked back at Brom. He grudgingly let the storyteller go, knowing that he had just missed an opportunity to get a promotion for capturing and bringing one of the last Riders to Galbatorix.

Brom cleared his throat and resumed speaking. "- Galbatorix."

* * *

Eragon was trying to teach the dragon to fly. That's kind of weird when you think about it...Eragon doesn't know how to fly, so how can he be teaching a dragon to fly?

"Fly, fly!" The dragon flew away. Eragon waited for a moment, hoping it would come back.

"She's gone. Dammit. She left me just like my mother. It all comes down to my mother leaving me. Women hate me. Maybe I need a therapist."

There was a rumble of thunder and a lightning bolt streaked across the sky. Eragon's E-scar glowed. Then it burst on fire.

Somewhere high above, the dragon flew through radioactive clouds.

Two seconds later, it transformed into a full-grown dragon.

Apparently, the movie peoples wanted to indicate time/Saphira growing in a 'magical' way.

Time can be indicated many other ways than having a dragon fly through a radioactive cloud. This confused everybody and further enraged book fans.

Saphira, fully grown and looking like a dragon on steriods, landed with a roar next ot Eragon.

_Hello, Eragon. My name is Saphira._

"But I wanted to name you Mr. Whiskers!"

_My name is Saphira!_

* * *

In an attempt to learn more about dragons, Eragon snuck into Brom's house. He also needed to steal some food.

"Hey Brom! I can steal from you, right? I take silence as a yes. Just rudely come in and look through your things…"

Eragon knocked over candle that burned down half of Brom's house.

In the un-burnt part of the house, there was an old book on a table. The cover depicted a odd-looking chicken-reptile creature. But mostly chicken.

"Huh. This doesn't really look like a dragon," said Eragon as he flipped through the pages. "Maybe it's a chicken. That makes sense. I bet it's an ancient cookbook of long-lost recipes instead of an ancient book of long-lost legends."

"GET OUT!"

Eragon jumped 10 feet into the air. "What did you do that for?" he asked, hanging from a rafter on the ceiling. "You scared the crap outta me!"

"Because this movie needed a surprise to make the loud person in the audience go 'EEP!' and annoy everyone else in the audience. That is the purpose of these movie scenes."

"Riiiiiiight…"

Brom surveyed his half-burnt down house then turned back to Eragon, who had just climbed down from the ceiling.

"It was the cat," quickly explained the farm boy.

"I don't have a cat."

"You do now."

"Did anyone follow you?" Brom asked suspiciously, locking the door.

"No. Does this mean you're going to answer my questions? Because usually locking a door and asking if someone's been followed indicates that something secret is about to be told."

"Hell no!" he unlocked the door and opened it, despite locking it seconds previously. "Get out!"

Eragon walked towards the door, then turned to look at Brom. "I know your stories are true."

Brom rolled his eyes. "Well _duh,_ everyone knows about the Riders."

* * *

Eragon walked back to his house. On his way he passed the butcher's shop and heard loud noises. Curious, the farm boy went to investigate.

The zombie-Ra'zac were there, interrogating Sloan.

"_Brains_! (Tell us where the boy is)!"

"Gladly, I hate his guts."

" _Brains_? (So we don't have to torture you)?" said the Ra'zac, confused.

"That's right. I'll tell you whatever you want."

" _Brains_…(Hmm…)"

"_Brains_! _Brains_! (NO! We must torture you first)!" shouted Ra'zac number 2.

"_Brains_! (Yes! First we will torture you, THEN you will tell us where the boy is!)"

"But you don't have to- OW! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY! OW! MY SPLEEN!"


	4. The Adventure Begins Sort of

**Chapter 4: The Adventure Begins...Sort of...**

Fearing for his life, Eragon ran home. As he ran through a small forest he noticed it was light out, which was weird because it was nighttime a few seconds ago. He shrugged and kept running, until...

_You're in danger!_

His dragon Saphira (aka Mr. Whiskers) picked him up by the back of his shirt. (Though shouldn't her talons have injured him?)

"Saphira, where are you taking me!?"

_Away from harm._

"But you've been flying in circles for the past ten minutes!"

_You stupid boy! Have it your way, then!_

Saphira dropped him. He fell and landed on a bale of hay.

Much to the dismay of the movie viewers, he survived.

Eragon looked around and noticed he was right next to his house. He looked up to the sky and shook his fist in anger. "All you did was bring me closer to harm, not farther from it you stupid chicken!"

The farm boy brushed the hay out of his hair and walked toward his house. "Saphira you idiot, the house looks fine."

The house exploded.

"Aw…" moaned Eragon, "Why does everywhere I live explode?"

Eragon ran to the house to see the damage. Upon closer inspection, he found the house to be completely undamaged. The only strange thing was that his uncle was lying on the ground covered in straw.

"Oh no. He's covered in straw. He must be dead. The pain."

Brom suddenly apparated two feet behind Eragon.

"We have to go," said Brom, putting a hand on Eragon's shoulder and leading him out of the house.

Instead of wondering how Brom had gotten to his house so fast, Eragon said feebly, "But I have to give him a funeral."

Brom picked up torch - that was conveniently enough lying around - and tossed it onto the hay. The flames grew quickly.

"There's your funeral."

"But-"

"No time for tearful good-byes," Brom said quickly, cutting him off. "We've got a plot to destroy and a limited budget to do it with."

Brom lead Eragon to a pair of horses. The storyteller and farm boy set off just as it began to rain. Eragon looked back at his burning house.

_Hmm...this reminds me of a certain anime... _thought Eragon.

_Meanwhile, inside the house..._

"Ah, that was a great nap," yawned Garrow, waking up. "Hmm...Something smells like it's burning..."

Screams echoed from the house.

A worried look crossed Brom's face.

"Oh."

* * *

"Tell me again why I want me to follow you?" asked Eragon.

"I don't! I've been trying to get rid of you for the past three days! Besides, now that you mention it, a boy of 16, 17 would never stand a chance against a Shade."

"I never mentioned anything... besides, I'm 15."

"You're 17 now."

"Wait…what's a Shade? Who are the Varden?"

"Jeez! Have you been living under a rock for the past twenty years?"

"Well…"

"Don't you listen to the gossip in the town bar? I've seen some weird things, man. But that's another story that I'll never tell you. Now call your dragon."

Saphira landed with a roar. Brom looked her over.

"Spikes sharp…graceful proportions…"

_Are you hitting on me?_

…

…

"Would it make the situation any less awkward if I said yes?"

**THWACK!**

* * *

"Now time to learn," said Brom, picking up two sticks and tossing one to Eragon.

"I'll beat you easily old man, despite the fact that I have no combat or sword experience and don't gain any for the duration of the movie!"

The_ Rocky _theme started and Eragon ran towards Brom. Brom whacked him over the head and the theme skidded to a halt. Eragon toppled into the brook and Brom continued to whack him.

_Don't you think that's enough? _wondered Saphira.

"Ever hear of the Spartans? They used to hit the kids with sticks to toughen them."

_But he's not moving._

"He may be unconscious, but he's still tougher."

_Eragon woke up sometime later..._

"My bones feel like Jell-O!"

* * *

Brom was trying to start a fire with flint, but to no avail. "_Brisingr!" _he muttered,_ "_Book three – buy it today!"

"What did you do?" asked Eragon a bit skeptically.

"I started a fire," explained the storyteller, holding two pieces of stone.

Eragon stared at Brom dubiously...

...then at the stone in his hands...

... then back to Brom.

Finally, Eragon spoke.

"Brom, that's not flint."


	5. BRISINGR! Buy it Today!

_A/N: Sorry for the delay in the update, but it's just in time for Thanksgiving! A thank-you to everyone who reviewed and/or favorited this story! My rant this chapter short, for I am currently too lazy to type it up in full, but also because it will be elaborated on in future chapters. My rant is:_

_This movie contains no emotion. I will later on also rant about__ the semi-absence/ ridiculous characterization of Angela and complete absence of Solembum. _

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Fortuneteller**

"Hey, didn't we pass those mountains two scenes ago?"

Brom ignored Eragon. The two, plus Saphira, had been traveling for some time when they came upon a village situated on a lake. A village that techincally does not exist in the book.

"Don't talk to anybody. And go buy some bread." Brom walked off to buy supplies.

Eragon walked around and found a breadstand. "Excuse me could I buy some-" Eragon stopped, remembering Brom's words, _'Don't talk to anybody.' __"_– Er" Eragon flailed his arms wildly in an attempt to mime his request.

* * *

Attempts to buy bread without talking had failed. Eragon walked amongst the tents of the Star Wars-like town, a very bored look on his face. That is, until he spotted someone wearing a black cloak. The person, a young man about his age, gave Eragon a emo-ish glare.

"EEP! GOTH!" shrieked Eragon, and ran into the nearest tent. Coincidentally, the tent was filled with all manner of gold and treasures.

Eragon looked around quickly, then started stealing everything in sight. What he couldn't hold in his hands he stuffed down his shirt.

A woman walked in.

Eragon froze, and put a pair of solid gold candelabras back onto a table. "This isn't what it looks like."

"Would you like Angela to tell you your fortune?" asked the fortuneteller, ignoring the thievery. "Speaking in third person makes me sound slightly crazy."

Eragon took the candelabras again and stuffed them down his shirt.

Angela sat down at a small table. Eragon followed suit, sitting gingerly so as not to lose any stolen items.

_Ew…nose ring…_ he thought. _And isn't she supposed to be, like, old?_

Right now fans are wondering, _Where's Solembum, the werecat who gives Eragon plot-advancing advice_? The answer: Angela's sequins and jewelry, which were completely unnecessary, scared the cat away.

Angela took a bag of dragon bones and threw them onto the table. She analyzed them for a moment, then spoke. "Great battles wage around you."

"I don't understand," said Eragon, confused.

"You know, wars."

"…"

"People fighting..."

"…"

"Great hordes of people killing each other with swords and arrows and spears."

"…"

"Because of YOU!"

"…?"

* * *

Eragon walked out of the tent just as a Urgal extra attacked him with a rusty spork. Brom appeared and killed it.

"I thought I told you not to talk to anyone," said Brom angrily.

"She told me my future," replied Eragon, still shaken up from the surprise attack.

"The future is for the living."

"But I _am_ living!"

Brom would have retorted, but all of a sudden the two were surrounded by a group of Urgals. Brom and Eragon ran across a bridge, but the Urgals were coming from both sides. Cornered, Eragon drew his bow, and, as if on instinct, uttered a single word.

"_**BRISINGR**_!" he yelled, "Book three - buy it today!"

Blue flames surrounded the arrow. It flew like a missle, exploding with additional flames upon impact.

Eragon missed by a mile.

* * *

Eragon regained consciousness sometime later.

"Ow, my head," he moaned. Eragon clutched his knee."It feels like I've been kicked by a horse."

"Yeah, sorry about that," said Brom apologetically.

"Those were Urgals?"

"No they were the local hobos looking for handouts. Not very frightening."

"What about Saphira?"

"Oh, she's dead."

"What?!"

Brom ignored him and began talking about magic. "Some spells you can without much energy. Other spells will turn you into a vegetable."

"What kind of vegetable?"

"A turnip."

"No!" cried Eragon. After a moment of thought, he asked,"What's 'branch' in the ancient language?"

"That's the best you can think of? Wouldn't you rather want to know the word for 'pebble'?"

"No. What's branch?"

Brom again ignored Eragon. "Anyway, what with you trumpeting your existence to the world, we'll have to find another way through these hills."

"Brom, those are mountains."

"They're hills now."

Suddenly, Saphira flew in with a saddle on her back.

"Where'd you get that saddle?" asked Eragon.

_-Flashback-_

_Brom hid behind some bushes. __A soldier on a horse rode by. Brom knocked out the soldier and took the horse's saddle._

"Borrowed it," replied Brom.

* * *


	6. Don't Fall in a Plot Hole

_A/N: O.o 55 reviews? You people are too kind! Reading them really motivates me to write, though with Christmas in like...two days ( :D !!) I am very busy. Sorry again for the long update date. I'm trying to update my other fics too, so please be patient!  
_

_Random notes: the anime referenced to in chapter 3 (i think...) was FullMetal Alchemist, for anyone who's seen/read it (What with Ed and Al setting their house on fire and leaving) The '...' marks - mainly to indicate that the character isn't saying anything, and has a blank look on their face-imagine the camera going to the character that's speaking, then to the character that's not saying anything who just doesn't get it...ack, i'm confusing myself! I should have made things clearer! I'll probably end up rewriting a chapter or two anyway. Now I'm just going to stop this pointless note and get on with the story, which is what you actually want to read. Ok. I'm done talking now._

* * *

**Chapter 6: Don't Fall in a Plot Hole!**

"Wo-hoo! Safety belts are for losers!" cheered Eragon as he rode on Saphira. Needless to say, he neglected to strap himself in on the saddle.

THUD!

* * *

_One instant movie recovery later..._

Eragon flew on Saphira.

"Can I learn to ride on your tail?" asked the Rider.

_I don't know why you'd want to, it's completely useless._

"Can I ride on your damn tail or not?"

_Sigh...yes. But you probably won't be able to until you've perfected Skulblakas ven, which turns your eyes different colors as if you're on something._

Eragon managed to make his way onto the tail while Saphira had been explaining all this.

_Weren't you even listening to me?!?!_

"Whoot! Riding on the tail is fun-!"

THUD!

* * *

_Another instant movie recovery later..._

Eragon took a ride on Saphira for a third time. "Do you always see like this?" asked Eragon, referring to the fact that, when he and Saphira completely shared their minds, he could see from her eyes and he noticed she saw a lot of yellow - as opposed to blue.

_Uhh..._ hesitated the dragon.

Little did Eragon know, Saphira was wearing eye color-changing contact lenses.

* * *

Saphira and Eragon soon landed. They continued traveling with Brom until...

"BRAINS!" The zombies ambushed the group.

"Ancient-language-word-for-branch!" shouted Eragon, and a branch that looked like a vine strangled a Ra'zac.

Magic doesn't work like that. You can't say 'branch' and it'll strangle a guy. You'd have to say 'branch, strangle' or something along the lines of that.

Brom managed to finish off the other one with a red sword with a blue stone embedded in the pommel. The zombie collapsed an disintegrated into an array of creepy bugs, which scurried away.

Eragon looked in shock on the spot where the Ra'zac-zombies died. "The Ra'zac are dead. What is Roran going to fight in _Eldest_?"

"He can fight Durza," said a scriptwriter.

"But I _kill _Durza at the end of this movie."

"Then I'll bring him back to life."

"You _do_ realize this isn't a fan fiction?"

There was a short pause.

"CRAP!"

* * *

Eragon and Brom continued traveling on horse, which was a complete contradiction to Brom's statement in the previous chapter about how they needed to avoid being seen. Suddenly, and quite randomly, Eragon grabbed Brom's hand to reveal an E-shaped rash/scar, just like the one Eragon had.

"You have a gedwey ignesia! You're a Rider!"

"But you're not supposed to know I'm a Rider yet!" protested Brom "It's supposed to be sad and unexpected and I'm supposed to be dying, not at a random time like this. So in that case, I'm going to attempt to add emotion with a story that goes against the entire plot."

"This movie _has _no discernible plot."

"Shut up and listen."

_Sometime later..._

"...And with that, I killed Morzan, the last Rider. It's my fault the Riders are gone!"

Eragon yawned. "I don't really get why you're blaming yourself. Galbatorix did all of it. And the dude you killed was evil."

"He was also your father."

"WHAT?!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, at Durza's lair..._

Durza browsed through an ancient cookbook, looking for a recipe. His search was abruptly disrupted when three Urgals enterED the room.

The Shade rose from his seat and asked, "Did you, the generic extras, succeed in killing the main character?"

The Urgals shook their heads sadly.

"Kill the rider, I said," sneered the Shade, looking at each Urgal in turn, "Bring me his blood, I said."

An Urgal lifted a glass bottle halfheartedly. "We...we have ketchup, if that helps."

Durza shouted "_Garjzla_!" The bottle exploded in the Urgal's hands. Durza sat down."I guess if you have to get kill a main character the villain has to do it himself!"

"No freaking _duh,_" said an Urgal, "Did you really think us extras could kill the main character?"

Durza looked and glared at the Urgal. It cowered in fear.

"You make a valid point," spoke the Shade.

"I...I do?"

"No," said Durza bluntly. "_Garjzla_!"

* * *

Eragon slept. Then he woke up, ate, traveled, got beaten up by Brom for the umpteenth time, ate, traveled, fell into a river, ate, and went back to sleep.

That night, in Eragon's dreams...

"Eragon..." echoed a woman's voice, "Help me...." The scene shifted to Arya's dungeon, where Durza was casting a spell to enter Eragon's dreams. (Which is really...weird when one thinks about it.) "This is not a trap, and I am not a Shade.."

It shifted back to Eragon.

"Hello Eragon. I am Arya, Princess of Ellesmera."

Eragon angrily tossed down a copy of _Eldest_. "Thanks a lot for that plot spoiler!" He gazed at Arya and noticed something."Hey, your ears aren't pointy."

"Should they be?"

"Well, you are an elf - aren't you?"

Arya shrugged.

"So are you a human or...what are you exactly?"

Arya shrugged again.

"Do you even know _what _you are?"

Arya shrugged again. "Nope."

* * *

Eragon jolted awake. He knew what he had to do.

"I have to go to Gi'lead to save Arya," he told Brom.

"We can't go there! It's in the opposite direction of where we're heading."

"Actually, I think we're camped right outside the gates."

Brom took out a map of Alagaesia, looked at it, then tore it up.

"Dammit, this land looks nothing like the map. Since when was Gi'lead in the mountains?"

The old but young-looking man turned to the Rider. "Eragon, you can't go. It's too risky."

Eragon waved a hand as if to brush aside Brom's warning. "Brom, you're supposed to be dead when I go to Gi'lead. Therefore, you can't be stopping me. Toodles!"


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: WHOOT! Emo-Murtagh is finally introduced!

I really apologize for not updating this story - or any of my stories for that matter - for such a long time. I've been really busy and also lacked the motivation to write anything, but now I'm back with new chapters!

In addition, I'm going to be revising the previous chapters, both adding some newer, funnier parts and editing for grammar and such. So be sure to check those out once I put them up!

Disclaimer: the _Inheritance_ Cycle and all of its characters, places, etc. belong to Christopher Paolini, and the _Eragon_ movie belongs to Twentieth Century Fox, _Lord of the Rings_ belongs to JRR Tolkien, but this parody is written by me!

Without further ado, here's the long-awaited chapter!

(I must apologize again, I couldn't think of a chapter title when I posted this, but I'll think up something soon!)

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Eragon waltzed right into Gilead.

Literally.

It was nightfall when he arrived, so he naturally assumed it would be more heavily guarded. At first, the Rider was worried about how he'd get into the city, let alone sneak into the prison, but the place was completely deserted.

_I wonder why there aren't any guards?_

Meanwhile, in the guards' lounge....

Several dozen guards sat around a wooden table. A deck of cards, a pile of money, and several bottles of ale rested on the table. The guards examined the cards that had been dealt to them. Finally, one of the men spoke.

"Got any sevens?"

"Go fish."

* * *

Eragon made it to the prison without incident and soon found where Arya was.

"You shouldn't have come!" cried Arya.

Eragon rolled his eyes. "Look, I came all this way to save you - and didn't even have to fight _any_ guards, mind you - so you'd better be happy about it!"

All of a sudden, Durza the Shade materialized into the dungeon out of thin air. The Shade fired a spell at Eragon, which Eragon quickly blocked with an ancient language word.

"A young magician," smirked the Shade, "…how cute." There was an awkward silence as the Shade realized his mistake. "Er, quaint! I MEANT QUAINT!"

Eragon tried to run, but Durza was too strong. The Rider was backed into a corner and had nowhere to run. It looked like this was the end for Eragon (and there was much rejoicing of movie fans!). Durza's mouth curled into a sneer, levitating a spear with one hand.

"It's said that with his last breath, a Rider can hear the dying screams of his dragon," Durza contemplated this statement. "Isn't that poetic? I think I'll write a poem." And then the Shade threw the spear at Eragon.

"_Epic heroic last minute rescue_!" yelled Brom, leaping in between Eragon and the spear.

"Brom! Are you okay?" cried Eragon, shocked at the sudden appearance and sacrifice of his mentor.

"It…went…straight…through…my…heart!" Brom struggled to say.

"Don't worry Brom you're not going to die," Eragon gave this statement a moment's thought, then added, "...Immediately."

The disturbance had apparently come to the attention of the guards, who, after abandoning their card game, rushed in fully armed. Suddenly, a guard was shot by an unseen archer. Several more were taken down. Surprised, Eragon looked up to see a young man with dark hair.

"I suggest you leave quickly," said the man as he shot several more guards. "My emo-ness is contagious."

At that moment, several guards collapsed, but not from arrows.

"I feel angsty," grumbled a guard.

"What's the point of living?" muttered another.

"I'm gonna go dye my hair..." said a third.

"I won't let you get away!" screamed the Shade, but at that moment the emo man shot an arrow at the Shade's head. It hit, but Durza's grin grew even wider. "You'll have to do better than that if you want to kill me. You missed hitting my weak point."

Eragon ran up to the Shade and kicked him...well… one can very well guess where he kicked him...

The Shade doubled over in extreme pain as Eragon ran back to Brom. "Argh! Not my fatal weak point… but a weak point nonetheless!"

At that moment, Saphira's head burst through the ceiling, sending chunks of stone everywhere. She snapped angrily at the remaining guards.

Eragon looked up. " Saphira - "

_What?_ Saphira was preoccupied with a soldier who was dangling several feet from the floor, his cloak firmly clenched in Saphira's mouth.

"Saphira, put him down!"

_Aw, can't I eat him? _

"No!"

* * *

"Can you carry three?" asked Eragon,

_I'm not sure._

Arya and Eragon, both carrying Brom, clambered onto Saphira, who took off through the hole in the ceiling. She quickly flew out of the enemies range, and barely struggled with the extra weight on her back, until…

_Now that we're out of the enemies range, it would conveniently seem that the weight is too much!_

"What the hell! You just flew a mile!"

_I can't hear you! I'm too busy crashing into trees!_

* * *

Brom was dying. The mood was somber.

"I have to save him!" exclaimed Eragon. He put his hand over Brom's wound and said, "Waise heil." Eragon's hand glowed (or maybe it was just some glow-in-the-dark paint) and it looked like Brom was healing. Suddenly, the glowing stopped and Eragon collapsed, exhausted.

_Eragon, that was amazing!_

"You mean I healed Brom?" said Eragon eagerly.

Saphira rolled her eyes. _Yes, you healed Brom. _Saphira's tone had turned sarcastic. _How the hell did you defy the laws of magic? That spell should have either healed Brom and killed you, healed Brom, or completely drained you of energy, leaving you dead and Brom still wounded!_

"Brom never told me the laws of magic, Saphira. And because the audience was never informed of them either, they will never question what I did! So I can do whatever the hell I want!" he jumped in the air triumphantly. "Wo-hoo!" He turned back to the dragon. "So did I heal Brom?"

_No._

"Shi-"

_Eragon, if he's going to die anyway, can I eat him?_ interrupted Saphira.

"No!" exclaimed Eragon. He lowered his voice to a whisper, "…not yet."

"Eragon," said Brom weakly, "Did you shoot the Shade in the heart?"

"Uh..." Eragon hesitated for a moment, "Yeah. Sure. Let's go with that."

"Eragon… don't worry about me. It's thanks to you I got my life back."

"Uh, hello! My stupidity is the reason you're dying!"

"Oh yeah... that's right... curse you!"

"You can still die with pride, like a Rider," said Arya, who had not spoken a word since Saphira crashed.

Eragon turned to Saphira. The dragon lifted her head and gave a loud roar.

Eragon narrowed his eyes angrily. _Thanks a lot, Saphira,_ he said to his dragon through the mental link they shared._ You gave away our position! Now you can't eat Brom._

_Sorry…_

_Well I suppose you could always take a leg._

Brom, despite being on the verge of death, noticed something suspicious about Eragon and Saphira. "Really, I think I might be getting better."

And two seconds later he died.

"What should we do with him?" asked Arya, poking Brom's body with a pointed stick.

Eragon pondered this for a moment, and then replied, "We could give him a Boromir-style funeral without the pride."

"Eh?"

"Take everything of value and chuck him over a waterfall."

"Oh…"

_Wait, I have a better idea_. Saphira leaned over Brom and breathed on him. In a matter of seconds, Brom was encased in a transparent diamond tomb.

"_Dirty mouth?"_ said an English-accented voice out of nowhere, _"Diamond it up with Orbit White!"_

Arya and Eragon stared in wonder. Then after about a minute, Eragon spoke.

"Eh…it kind of looks like a pile of zip-lock bags from a distance..."

* * *


End file.
